Eight of Air - listen to the rhythm of your soul

It's been a while since I have written something for my blog. For some reason, I can't seem to get back to regular posting. I don't know why... Perhaps lack of inspiration or drive??? Or maybe both. Anyway, I am here now and it feels good to be here.

Two days ago I celebrated my sixtieth birthday with my family and for the first time in years, I didn't get a tarot or oracle deck for my birthday.  There was not one deck I really wanted. Of course, there are lots of pretty decks around but none of them really spoke to me on a deeper level.
Yesterday I have decided to work with one deck only for a longer period of time, in order to build a more personal relationship with the decks I already have. For this month my deck of choice is the Gaian Tarot by Joanna Powell Colbert. I am in awe of the splendor of nature this time of year and I feel this deck will be in perfect sync with it. I need the more grounding energy of this deck to stay in the moment and enjoy what life has to offer each and every day.
My card for today is the Eight of Earth. It's not that long ago since I pulled this card for myself.  Yet today it speaks not so much about parenting my daughters but more about being guided myself. It feels like I am being invited to follow the rhythm of the drums, to align myself to the heartbeat of the earth, of my soul, and to establish a healthy rhythm of action and rest, breathing in and breathing out.  Creating a rhythm is not only about when to drum but perhaps even more about knowing when not to drum...

Zombie – Control is an illusion

Today’s card is “Zombie – Control” from the Halloween Oracle. On a moonlit night, a dead body comes to life. His hand is already above ground.  He is not emerging from his grave by his own free will. No, he is summoned by some kind of sorcerer to do his bidding.  A small fragment of a living soul has been put into this body for a specific cause.

This card is asking us how much we are in control of our own life.  Are we living the life we want or are we buried beneath the demands and expectation of others? And in return, how much are we, ourselves in need of controlling the lives of others. Or are we capable of letting them walk their own path, only to help when asked? I think every form of control stems from fear, one of our four basic emotions. Letting ourselves being controlled by others might be caused by a fear of taking responsibility and accepting that change is a vital part of life. And change often hurts…

Controlling others, on the other hand, could stem from a fear that if we don’t interfere, things are bound to go sideways. We know best, so everybody should do as we would do in a given situation.

When we are busy controlling and letting ourselves being controlled, life passes by and we loose fragments of our soul by shying away from a more authentic life, filled patience trust and love.

Today, thirteen years ago, my life changed dramatically and I learned that control is indeed an illusion…

The Hierophant - I want to be free!

Today’s card is the Hierophant from the Ravens Prophecy Tarot. This card is the worldly, physical manifestation of spirituality, which is for me almost an oxymoron. 

In this version of the Hierophant, we see a candle burning in a lantern. It’s true that the lantern protects the light of the candle, even magnifies it with its glass but even though all these advantages, the light of this candle is contained and has lost its freedom to dance in the wind.

Lately, I find it difficult to relate to any organized form of religion or philosophy or even parts of it. I feel that my main reason to do so in the first place was my fear of being wrong and I perhaps felt there was safety in numbers. With the beginning of this new season, the only thing which feels spiritual to me is Nature itself in all Her abundance and Autumnal decay, the magic I see and feel in all of this, and of course my cards.

I do believe in the Divine, in Spirit, but for now, I experience it more as a loving Energy than as a specific deity.

All this feels fresh, free and playful. Without any tasks or structured practices, I am more “spiritual” than I used to be. There is no more pressure, just listening to myself and finding out what makes me happy and what connects me to Spirit

NB I do recognize the wisdom of all the wonderful teachings we have. I just don’t want to be limited by them anymore or exclude others who think differently.

Ehwaz and The Faun – Come dance with me

While shuffling The Faeries’ Oracle for my daily draw, I suddenly felt the urge to pull a rune first. The rune I got was Ehwaz, the rune of movement, progress, and change.  I didn’t have the faintest idea what this rune would mean for me today, so I shuffled my deck again and drew: The Faun, an ethereal and translucent creature. Its keywords are "Natural wisdom" and "Natural magic". Still no clue. Then I read the guidebook and my eyes fell on the cursive phrase: “Come dance with me” and it all came together.

Since Autumn has begun I feel I pull towards a more magical inclined way of living but I don’t really know how to make that happen and so I, as good Queen of Swords befits, I hit the internet and my books and lost myself in other people’s findings and experiences, which have nothing to do with who  I am: I don’t need spells and potions etc, I just want to feel the magic moving around me, in me, through me etc and maybe I even want to direct it intentionally towards something I feel strongly about as a blessing of sorts. I think my understanding of magic has a lot to do with being mindful but perhaps spiced up with a bit more “woo woo”.  And that’s where the energy of this Faun comes into play: put away the books and go outside, commune with nature and with your own inner wisdom. Move, change, play, dance, be merry and open yourself up to the healing and nurturing energy of the trees, the wind, the sun and let your magic flow freely with the currents of life.

P.S So after writing all of this, I went out for a walk and I was amazed how magical it was. I even met a little frog (or toad?) who was sitting just there, where wanted to put my card for an IG picture! He was so perfectly camouflaged I had hardly noticed him but thanks to The Faun I did J

Six of Swords- breathing out

My card for today is the Six of Swords from the Original Rider Waite Tarot. After having taken a break from Tarot for a few days, because I have been visiting my mother, it feels only natural to jump back in again with my all time favourite deck. It feels like a baby blanket after some very busy days. I wasn’t surprised by this card at all. I see myself coming home, travelling from turbulent waters to a complete rippleless part of the lake. A perfect place to still my mind and put myself at ease. In the little child, I see my little me who needs some extra time and care right now. I am so grateful to be able to accept that expecting things only will lead to disappointment, so I’d better step up myself and mother her for while; listen to her, seeing her for who she really is and what she needs right now from me. I am positive that when we return from this safe haven we both will sit up straight again with a big smile on our face.

Eight of Arrows – Keep Going

Today’s card is the Eight of Arrows (aka the Eight of Swords) from the Wildwood Tarot.  We see a young woman struggling on her journey. Eight broken arrows are lying in the snow. They are of no use to her anymore.  Although her path is challenging, cold and lonely, she keeps going and she doesn’t give up. Her staff and her lantern are symbols of hope and determination. I prefer this depiction over the Rider-Waite version where the woman is blindfolded and not able to leave the imprisonment of her own thoughts.

No, this young woman is painfully aware of the brokenness of her arrows and how she has to rephrase her view of life, her feelings and ideas, her story. Often this is a lonely road to travel. Of course, we can ask for advice but the actual task, the decision to move forward,  is ours. This is, in my opinion, an act of great courage. 

This week we had a family get together to celebrate our wedding anniversary. This day is always filled with many contra dictionary feelings which leave me a bit shattered and down. Outdated expectations and missed opportunities are almost certain to come up on days like this. But although I am not feeling at my best. I do know it is best for me to keep going and to keep busy.

Seven of Swords - Putting it all together

After yesterday’s card, the Seven of Swords seems to invite us to really take a good look at what we believe to be true and to shed some light over contradicting idea’s. This card invites me to write about my spiritual beliefs and how I came to this personal blend of several belief systems.

As you all know I was raised Christian but never felt quite comfortable with the exclusive nature of Christianity. Although I loved God and Jesus, the dogma’s were putting me off immensely.  So starting in adolescence,  I have always been trying to fit in with other kinds of spiritual groups but up until today I have never found one. Buddhism, Wicca, Paganism, they all have beautiful and deep truths but somehow I missed the God of my Childhood and, honestly, there was always the fear of being totally wrong and the impending consequences.

My altar was a beautiful representation of my confusion and my swaying between different beliefs. One day I would have representations of Mary, Jesus and other Christian symbols on my altar but a month later it could have changed into a celebration of nature and the Divine Feminine. When I was totally confused I reduced it to a few crystals and a large white candle.

Then I picked up “Paganism” by River and Joyce Higginbotham which taught me that our idea’s of Divinity are something entirely different then Divinity itself. Words, ideas etc are only limiting our perception of God.

This helped me to overcome the fear to be wrong and after long deliberation, I took a leap of faith and I wholeheartedly embraced God as truly multifaceted. It was such a relief not having to puzzle the pieces together but experiencing how everything blends in seamlessly: my love for Jesus and Mary are in no way contradicting with my reverence for Mother Holda and the  Great Mother. One thing that l really love is that with Jesus, I have a male aspect of God to relate to which was very difficult for me when I was solely focusing on Paganism.

In this card we see the old man desperately trying to fit his seven swords in a structure he can work with. I am now positive he will succeed but only when he is willing to implement some room for mystery and awe because our spirit can take us places where our mind cannot enter.

Three of Pentacles and Ace of Wands – A gentle kick in the butt

As you all know, I haven’t been feeling so well lately. Also I have been considering to take a short hiatus from blogging and social media all together.  Some days it feels like I am just going through the motions and ticking of my daily boxes.  The last two days I have been pampering myself and it felt really good: listening to music, reading books, drinking coffee, nibbling on biscuits, taking long showers and so forth. But  even pampering gets boring, although I am still not there yet. So  I asked my cards for advice on where to go from here. 

The Three of Pentacles came up: Creativity shared with friends. No Hermit or Four of Swords, which are my go-to cards in a situation like this. The other card which came up was the Ace of Wands: A budding wand, filled with so much potential. But be careful not to nip all these juicy ideas in the bud. Choose one and cherish is like a new born child.  

So here I am again with another blog post thanks to my “cardboard therapist” and it actually feels good to write this; sharing how it is right now and not pretending to be something I am not. Feeling like this often fills me with shame and/or guilt, because how can I permit myself these feelings when so many live in much more dire circumstances than I do. But it is what it is and I know from experience I will get better, probable sooner than later, because I’ve learned to recognize the signs early on.

Feeling like this confronts me with difficult lesson in self love. It is so easy  to love and  embrace who we are when all is well and life is on the upside but this lesson is about the hardest part: loving ourselves when we are faced with parts of ourselves we don’t like at all and are often embarrassed about.

 “I will be gentle with myself and I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go” Karin Drucker

Miss Spiderweb - Slowly beginning to work on my web again

First and foremost I would like to thank all of you for your kind and warm comments and get well wishes on my previous post.  They really meant a lot to me.

Today’s card is Miss Spider Web,  from the Oracle of The Shapeshifters. This card is all about making new connections and rekindling old ones. Strengthening the parts of our web which are meaningful and  supportive and taking down those parts which are worn out and not adding anything of importance to the intricate structure of our web.

This morning my neurologist advised me to really take it slow and also to keep in mind that the recovery from my neck hernia will take a at least another six weeks or more. I was allowed to do the things I love the most but in only really small amounts of time. So this blogpost is done in several sessions of five minutes.

But at least I can start weaving and working on my online web again. Please understand that although I am doing the best I can,  I will not be able to leaves comments every day on the most beloved strings of my web but I do enjoy reading my favorites blogs each day.

I see this post as the beginning of my healing process for which I am ever so grateful.

Reason for my absence

As most of you already know, the last few weeks I have been plagued by pinched nerve in my neck. Last Friday I went to the physical therapist because the pain in my arm was getting worse every day. After doing some tests he was quite certain it was a neck hernia. So now I have wait for an appointment with a neurologist. This pain prevents me from typing (M is typing this for me) writing, photographing, painting, knitting etc. M is also doing our daily chores. Although this is a difficult situation, I also see this as an opportunity to try to become more flexible. I’m grateful M is helping out this much, but it also hard for me to let go of the control and my need to do everything myself. Please know I’m reading and enjoying everyone’s blogs, but for now I’m not able to comment.

I wish you all well and I hope to be back soon.

Hugs Ellen

Four of Air – No time to waste

Today’s card is the Four of Air from the Dreams of Gaia Tarot. I didn’t have the  “sigh” reaction  I usually have when I pull the Four of Air/Swords from other decks.  This card is obviously not about taking a much needed time out.

The Four of Air in this deck is all about our need for structure and routine. Having a balanced daily routine will give us peace of mind. It is a kind of safety net which helps us to bring order into our daily life. Imagine how stressful our day would be if we had to think about everything we had to do: coffee or tea, bread or oatmeal. Where do I buy my groceries, by card or by bike  etc. Routine relieves us from numerous small decisions. But this  card is also about examining these routines: How many time wasting, slightly addictive activities have sneaked into them?

Today, it is for me a timely message to really look closely at the way I spend my days. Since about two weeks I have been plagued with a sore neck and a tingling in some fingers of my right hand. This is probable caused by a pinched nerve (again) and it prevents me from doing a lot of things I love: knitting, crochet, writing by hand, painting and drawing, and going to the gym.

Thanks to this card I am fully aware now that some of the gaps in my routine are filled with a lot less productive and creative activities which are mostly internet related. (Yesterday’s Devil?)

So now it is up to me to think of some new routines and ways to spend my time since this neck thing might last a bit longer than I would like.

The Sun - How to get real

Since yesterday I have been thinking a lot about how to become more authentic and true to who I really am. This was brought about by several events during the day: reading Carolyn’s post about the Inner Child, reaching the chapter about Authenticity in  “The gifts of imperfection” by Brene Brown and becoming painfully aware of my “obligation” to be creative.

All this is strongly encouraging me to find out what it is I really want, as opposed to what I think I should want. Life can be so much more than ticking of boxes, even if they represent enjoyable activities.

 I have to admit I do find it a bit scary; maybe I don’t want to know what I really want or who I really am but then again I don’t like this feeling either.  

One thing which is in my opinion crucial to touch on this deeper layer is to live more mindfully and to make a full stop when a choice has to be made. This way we have the time to listen to our inner wisdom and to our inner child. I strongly belief that both of them are beyond pleasing and pretending.

Also I think tarot can be a great tool to trigger deeper buried desires and needs, especially when you read  the cards purely intuitively. So I have pulled two cards for today:

What do I think I want? Queen of Wands

I think I want to be a passionate, outgoing, confident and creative woman. I want to speak up and to be heard. I want to be unafraid of failure as well as of success. I want tot breath fire with my words. 

As lovely and juicy this all may  sound maybe this is not really who I am at this moment and also not who I aspire to be for now.

What do I really want? The Sun

I do like the become more self aware and to shed some light over the shadowy parts of my personality. My inner child seems to be in dire need of some sunshine lately. I want to learn more about who I am and to see this as the beginning of a journey within, which will bring me more wisdom, joy and happiness than pretending to be something I am not. Also I want to keep safe everything I learn along the way safe and protect it from old habitual thinking patterns. So I will keep the light of the Sun close to my heart and let it illuminate my way.

“Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are” Brene Brown

What does royalty have to say about workouts?

Now Autumn has finally begun this year, it is time to hit the gym again. To be honest, during this heat wave I wasn’t really up to it. When I haven’t exercised in a while,it is always a bit hard for me to pick it up again and to keep at it. Excuses seem to pop up from everywhere: too hot, too tired, too busy, or I just don’t feel like it, but eventually I went. While I was walking on the tread mill, I was thinking about what the Tarot might have to say about exercising. Immediately I saw four young Pages running around the gym, trying out the equipment. They didn't pay me any attention, let alone have the time to talk to me. So I directed my thoughts to the Queens and asked them why I should work out regularly, even if I don’t really feel like it:

Queen of Wands: "Girl, it is the perfect way to keep your energy levels up and set you ablaze. Feel how your heart is pumping the red blood through your veins! You will be fired up to seize the day!"

Queen of Cups: "Ah my dear, working out will most definitely reduce your stress levels and make you feel so much more calm and relaxed. Breath in and out and produce those endorphins!"

Queen of Swords: "My dear lady, nothing is more effective to clear your mind from worrying and depressing thoughts than to work up a sweat. The most ingenious ideas will come to you when you are physically active."

Queen of Pentacles: "Oh sweetie, what can I add  to  this sincere advice. Exercising is a gift to your body, which is just as precious as your spirit, your soul and your mind. Treat it well and it will serve you accordingly and don’t forget to eat healthy too."

Well that settles it: Working out will be an priority on my weekly to-do list!

When art has a mind of its own

A few days ago I wanted to play in my artjournal and this time I felt like making something abstract: no pretty faces or flowers or even a jumping dolphin. I just wanted to get  some colors on the page and maybe add few marks. Everything about this page would be playful and intuitive. So I started to paint with hues of red, yellow, orange and brown.  

After the first few layers had dried, I noticed the shape of a cloak behind a tree and immediately all my intentions with this page where gone, like dust in the wind. The painting took my hand and guided me into a darkening autumnal forest where a little girl and her dolly came across  a cloaked woman with a lantern in her hand. .. I added some oil pastels to enhance the shapes which were eager to be found.

Then the only thing to do was to add some details and this is the final result:

Although I really enjoyed working on this page, the next one might be an abstract. But then again nothing is certain when you start playing in your  artjournal

Something different

As some of you already might know, both my girls attended a Waldorf school when they were young. One of the things which attracted us to this school system was their attention for an inviting ambiance and the use of natural materials. 

When my eldest was four she was introduced to the famous Waldorf dolls and wanted one for  herself. Luckily a doll makers course was starting soon after her discovery and there I learned how to make  all kind of different cloth dolls. S was so happy with her "Rapunzel"  and not so long after that M got one for herself too. 

Some years later (in the Fall of 2000) I got the idea to make one for myself. This was the kind of doll I always wanted as a little girl: so soft and pliable. So I made my inner little girl a doll and I named her “Saar” (Sarah). The adult part of me was delighted to have a doll for myself to dress up and I started to make her a wardrobe of her own. This has grown into a hobby of mine which I  amuse myself with off and on. After several months of abandonment I picked her up again, freshened up her face with watercolor pencils and made her a knitted dress with crocheted shoes.

Since I like to write about my crafts on this blog too, I thought it might be fun to share this part of me as well

Portrait of Jesus in Oil Pastel

Yesterday I read the following journaling prompt from Journaling Sage on IG: “If you let go of expectation, what would you start doing?” And I wrote: “I would draw and paint all day long!” That was indeed an eye-opener for me. All these expectations of creating the perfect artwork prevent me from doing anything at all. It is not so much that I think I can’t draw, but more that everything I draw (or paint) has to perfect, otherwise what is the point of drawing it anyway....

Now this made me realize how much I  undermine my creative playful self by putting such high expectations on the result of my efforts. And then I picked up my oil pastels and drew a portrait of Jesus. 

For me a logical follow up after my renditions of Mother Mary.  He is a lot on my mind lately and for now this feels very familiar and comforting. While working on his portrait, it felt so liberating to have none of those negative thoughts. Only after I was finished these nagging voices tried to disapprove of my work. They saw so many flaws and mistakes but I was able to let everything slide and focus on the contentment and fulfillment which making this portrait has given me.

This felt remarkably strong and confident. Yes making art and to be able to be grateful for whatever you create is all that matters!

Six of Swords – leaving my cawing crows behind

The last fourteen days have been a Swordy situation. Anyone who is a bit familiar with  tarot, knows this can vary from having enlightening revelations to being haunted by repetitive self defeating thoughts.  I had so many great plans for this period but not much has come to fruition. They are still floating around in my mind trying to make me feel guilty for not carrying them out.

Luckily I’ve managed to ignore them for now and I am glad to say that, although I am not very active yet, I do feel a lot better.

Swords cards are coming up regularly for me, especially the Six of Swords in combination with the Nine or the Ten. Also the Page is paying me a visit very frequently.  I mainly pull from the Shadowscapes Tarot. It is a gentle soothing deck but it doesn’t shy away from the harder lessons. The soft color palette reminds me of the coming Spring and the grey border resembles that touch of frost we don’t seem to get rid of here.

For today again I drew the Six of Swords. I love the depiction of the strong and nurturing  Swan,carrying the woman on her back between her wings out of a hopeless situation. All of her thoughts have turned black but her Swan is still radiant white, which is a promising prospect indeed.  Although I don’t know yet where I am going, I trust it is going to be a good place.

Also I want to thank you all for your lovely and heartfelt comments on my latest post. You’ve  all been so supportive.

Hugs Ellen

Resting in Her Embrace

With this card I want to let you all know, I am taking some time off from blogging and Instagram. Now my eldest girl and her boyfriend have moved out, after having lived with us for two and half month, I feel the need to take some time for myself to rest and reinvent myself. Feelings about this event are mixed up and there is an empty space waiting to be filled with more than distractions and escaping from the present moment.

I have so many ideas and so many plans and nothing is happening but watching TV series, playing games on my tablet and surfing on the internet. My three screens are making overtime. Posting pictures on IG and writing for my blog which I enjoy so much are starting to feel like to-do’s which I want to tick off, so I can feel good about it.

So for now, I just want to rest and do nothing besides reading some fiction, baking, walking, riding my bike, painting, writing in my journal etc. I’m not quite sure how long it will take. Trust, Letting go and Attention; these where my three words for this 2016. Maybe now it is the time to put them into action

Hugs Ellen

Oil pastel of Brigid

This year I wanted to celebrate Imbolc by making an oil pastel painting of Brigid, a Celtic fire goddess of poetry, smithcraft and healing. 

Brigid is also sometimes called Mary of Eire. The similarities between Brigid and Mary has been the cause of my renewed interest in her. Both are benevolent protective aspects of the Divine Feminine. Especially Brigid’s aspect of Hearth goddess and her inspirational creative fire are both very appealing to me.

After some more study I’ve discovered that that Brigid was also revered in the southern parts of The Netherlands. Just a few kilometers from my home town, in a small village there is a St. Brigida church with a statue of Saint Brigid. They also have St. Brigida school and a St. Brigida street  You can imagine I’m going to visit that village any time soon now.

By sharing this painting with you I want to wish you all a blessed Imbolc or St Brigid’s day.

Hugs Ellen

Oil Pastel Painting: “full Moon Song”

It's quite obvious, I can’t get enough of my oil pastels. For this painting I’ve used some photo’s which I’ve found online for reference, to be able to draw the wolf and the woman in the right pose. The whole painting is made with shades of grey and blue in order to create a nighttime feel.  So far it has been a great oil pastel adventure…