Five of Air - Fear

Today's card is Five of Air from the Vision Quest Tarot. It's called Fear. When I saw this card my throat tightened and I felt almost immediately my anxiety creeping up on me. How could I write about fear? How could I share the magnitude of the hold it has over me. Fear is my constant companion and my biggest enemy.  It protects me from having to take risks and it prevents me from living a full life. It binds me to home, it lets my paints go to waist. It keeps me from playfully trying but it also prevents me from failing.
The question this card is asking me is how to face and perhaps even befriend my fear. How to coax it gently from de driver's seat to the back seat. Fear should not be seen as an enemy but as a way of learning about possible risks and how to proceed with caution and curiosity. Only when Fear is taking over all other instincts and our will to move forward we have to step up and say: "No more of this!"
Today this card has inspired me to blog and express myself, despite feeling blocked and thinking I have nothing to add to the conversation. I think Fear and I are going to have a serious chat about who is in charge of Ellen...

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones." Thich Nhat Hanh

The High Priestess – Uncovering and facing fears

Today’s card is The High Priestess from the Deviant Moon Tarot. I don’t pull her often. The last time was March 2016 and the time before was December 2014. But today she is here in a more grounded version of herself. The bare feet and the checkered floor both indicate to me that she is not at all an airy-fairy kind of Priestess but more the kind of woman who has gained her wisdom through the trials of her life. She guards her wisdom well and is not eager to share it with just anybody who comes along. Besides being known for her well-guarded wisdom she is also the keeper of secrets and she inspires us to tap into our intuition because facts and logic can only bring us so far.

In many ways, she reminds me of the Queen of Swords. Perhaps because her face isn’t as gentle as we are used to seeing in depictions of the High Priestess. She looks stricter and more aloof to me than others versions of this archetype

So why has she decided to come along today after being absent for so long? I feel she has guided me today to face one of my hidden and deep tucked away fears. After too many years, I have dug it up dealt with it and in the end, it wasn’t that scary and emotional as thought it would be. Facing these kinds of issues instead of avoiding them, releases energy which can be redirected into something fresh and new. 

After all of this, she looks so much softer and gentle than I thought she was. I hope she will pay me a visit more often.

The Moon – Dealing with shadows

Today’s card is The Moon from the Raven’s Prophecy Tarot. It appears that the raven is holding the moon in his beak but we all know this is only an illusion. At night in the silvery moonlight, everything seems to look different. Shadows could easily be monsters lurking behind a tree. The sound of falling acorns will startle us more at night than during the day when the sun illuminates our life with certainty and purpose. But at night is it easy to get lost in the dark; to take the wrong turn at the crossroads and to become scared and uncertain but it can also bring you unexpected sometimes magical discoveries…

October is traditionally the month of shadow-work challenges on IG and this year I am participating for the third time with #shadowworkoctober by @mnomquah.  Although it isn’t easy, I am proud to say I have been keeping up so far. Issues which I hadn’t expected are coming to the surface. And others which I was ready to deal with once and for all, seem to stay hidden this year. This is one of the reasons I like to use Tarot for the exploration of my shadow because you can’t decide up front what is going to happen during the process. For me, shadow work with Tarot is a leap of faith into the dark abyss of my soul. Yes, Tarot is making shadow work so much more exciting and sometimes even scary but always surprising and rewarding.  

Graveyard – Unnecessary Fear

Today’s card is “Graveyard” from the Halloween Oracle. There is something about graveyards at night which makes the hairs on our neck stand up. An unspeakable fear creeps up on us, mostly caused the countless ghost and horror stories we have been hearing throughout our lives.

Logically speaking there is no need to be afraid of the resting places of the dead. It is just our mind who likes to tell us differently. The Graveyard card reminds me of everything I have put to rest: old projects, withered relationships, lost jobs and neighbourhoods, secrets and regrets and so much more. As long as I haven’t buried them properly, they sometimes still try to haunt me but when I am sure I’ve closed the lid of the coffin and filled the grave with dirt and the occasional flower, my mind will be at peace again and what I have buried will decompose and make the burial ground even more fertile than it was before.

The Three of Earth elaborates a bit more on this subject. Here we see someone planting his seeds in the fertile ground of our graveyard. He has to sacrifice his acorns in order for a tall Oak tree to grow there. Without death, there is no life. And so we come full circle. No, death shouldn’t frighten us but rather make us curious about what comes next.  What does life still has in store for us? Yes instead of letting ourselves being haunted by the past we’d better sow our seeds for a promising future

Zombie – Control is an illusion

Today’s card is “Zombie – Control” from the Halloween Oracle. On a moonlit night, a dead body comes to life. His hand is already above ground.  He is not emerging from his grave by his own free will. No, he is summoned by some kind of sorcerer to do his bidding.  A small fragment of a living soul has been put into this body for a specific cause.

This card is asking us how much we are in control of our own life.  Are we living the life we want or are we buried beneath the demands and expectation of others? And in return, how much are we, ourselves in need of controlling the lives of others. Or are we capable of letting them walk their own path, only to help when asked? I think every form of control stems from fear, one of our four basic emotions. Letting ourselves being controlled by others might be caused by a fear of taking responsibility and accepting that change is a vital part of life. And change often hurts…

Controlling others, on the other hand, could stem from a fear that if we don’t interfere, things are bound to go sideways. We know best, so everybody should do as we would do in a given situation.

When we are busy controlling and letting ourselves being controlled, life passes by and we loose fragments of our soul by shying away from a more authentic life, filled patience trust and love.

Today, thirteen years ago, my life changed dramatically and I learned that control is indeed an illusion…

Six of Wands – Ignite your fire

Today’s card is the Six of Wands from the Tarot of The Hidden Realm. Traditionally this is the card of victory and success. Although this card often relates to experiencing a successful completion of a project, today I feel it is more about an internal victory. Sometimes, often without knowing, we lock ourselves in a mental stronghold, which seems impossible to break out of. The only tools to escape we have left are our inner resources, how scarce they may be. When the day comes we begin to feel restricted and imprisoned instead of safe and protected, we will have to ignite a tiny spark of courage inside us and feed it with brave and fiery kindle. It is okay to be afraid, this is in no means a sign of cowardice. Still your mind and nurture your flame so it will grow stronger with each breath you take. This fire inside you will forge the key to freedom. Nothing will be able to hold you back when you tap in to this fire.

And as we can see in this card, fire attracts fire(flies). So our inner fire will keep feeding itself with everything we do and with whatever makes us happy!

“Courage isn’t a lack of fear, it’s being afraid and doing something anyway” (guidebook).

Uruz and Nine of Swords – About an Ox and a Demon

Today’s rune is Uruz, (Aurochs, the European wild Ox) the rune of strength, courage and endurance. I must be using up  a lot of my strength, because I feel rather tired lately.  So I asked The Anna K tarot what it is that sucks up my energy so easily and I got  the Nine of Swords. It can’t get any more clear than this. I think mental fatigue is a form of exhaustion which is hard to replenish and a good night sleep (which in this case is hard to come by) is often not enough. We all know how tired we can be after a day's’ work in the garden but we also know the deep fulfillment we feel when the is job is done. Yes, maybe some aching muscles will remind us of our work but our energy will be restored at night. With this card the problem lies elsewhere. The continuous churning of the mind over everything which keeps us awake is consuming all of our energy. Often the nine swords represent anxiety, grief, regret, guilt and other demons who might keep us awake at night and prevent us from moving forward in life. And here comes Uruz into play. Even in dire situations like this we have to lift up our head and face each and every demon that haunts us. Naming them is the first step, then follows acknowledgement of the fact we are haunted by them, And then the most difficult part is not to fight them, which only makes them stronger, but to befriend them, get to know them and  find out what keeps them here. and eventually we will be able to set them free which will most certainly boost our energy levels. This kind of work needs a courageous mind and spiritual warrior attitude.  Yes, it is tiring and there is nothing to show for when the day is done. But in the end we will sleep better for it.

Eight of Cups - Breaking through resistance

Today’s card is the Eight of Cups from the Wild Unknown Tarot. Our eight cups are shattered, broken beyond compare and a dark almost impossible to climb mountain is blocking our way. When we find ourselves on the dark side of this mountain, it is very hard to imagine there could be light on the other side and trees and flowers growing there.  So what to do now in such a precarious situation and I pulled a Soulcard. At first glance I would say: Stay put, don’t change and pretend to be happy where ever you are right now. But I have been playing this game too long to fall for this initial thought. The message today is to open your eyes, acknowledge your broken cups, feel you fear and start climbing. Fear is a devourer of energy. So face it, name it and disempower it and feel a jolt of energy being released from its shackles. And you're lucky, for there is no need to pack because inside, you already have everything you need for the journey. Bon voyage! 

My artjournal page is done!

The Magicians from last Monday got some help from three Queen of Wands yesterday to persuade me to finish my artjournal page. I was inspired to create this page by a free workshop,“Art Journal Wisdom” from Connie Solera over at Dirty Footprints studio

On day three, “ Get It Out, Get It Down”  she invites you to write down everything what prevents you to create; your fears, your not being good enough and not having time enough; just write it down anything that comes to mind.

Then tear it up in little unreadable pieces and paste it on the page and paint over it. Use it as an extra layer in your art work. And so I did. I hid my fears under thick layers of earthy colors: good riddance! But to my surprise they’ve found a way out. In the distance a Vulcano is  erupting fire and brimstone. Apparently Fear of Failure can’t be suppressed and neither can any other emotion. So the woman is sitting there quietly and watching everything the volcano spits out, acknowledging every piece of fire and lava as parts of herself.

After the layers of paint I stopped working on it, not knowing what to do next but I was certain it wasn’t  finished yet. Today I created a final layer of oil pastel to enhance the shapes and colors of the painting. And now it is done!

Different Cards; Same Message

Sometimes I think when my decks had actual voices, they would cry out this message even before I could pull a card. Today’s three card spread has given me a message I have got so many times before already. Honestly I do think I make a serious effort to respond to this message as well as I can but for today the Original Rider Waite Tarot thought I needed to see it laid out before me with yet another combination of cards:

Energy/ focus of today : the Ace of Pentacles. 

Since I’m almost continuously searching for a balance between expressing myself creatively and feeling safe enough to create without fear of failure this card feel like a gift of God(dess). And it is depicted as such in this deck too. This is the card of abundance and of small seeds coming to fruition. It is the beginning of something tangible and new. So here I am again encouraged to pick up my supplies and express myself  in whatever way  I feel is right for me today.

Challenge : King of Cups. The king of Cups is a wise and benevolent King but he is also detached from his own feelings. Always busy helping and understanding everybody else so he won’t have to put his feet into his own dark undercurrents. It is obvious that when everybody needs him, he doesn’t have the time to be introspective, let alone be creative at all.  I  will be on the lookout for this tendency of mine to put off my own needs so I can use all my energy for others (What a clever coping skill by the way)

Gift: The Magician: 

This is the card of confidence, capability, initiative and the courage to do whatever we really want to. His confidence is the perfect antidote for the deep rooted fear of the King of Cups. Just as the King is shying away from his Cup, the Magician will pick it up and use whatever it contains to his advantage and to manifest his deepest desire.

“Everything you want is on the other side of fear. “

Chaos – Trying to find a way out

When letting go by ourselves (see yesterday's post) is too difficult life has a way to assist us....

Today’s card is Chaos, aka The Tower, from the Vision Quest Tarot. We see a horse rearing up in a burning forest. He is clearly frightened and he is feels trapped.. There is now way to escape  because the fire and the smoke are surrounding him. The only thing to do is trying to stay calm and hide away from the wind. Eventually the fire will make way for greener pastures. The question is how do we get to that point since we are clearly not having a great day.

And I pulled the Spirit Guide. (Judgement) To be honest I don’t have a lot of experience with spirit guides or spirit animals. I would love to meet one someday but for now it’s just me and my intuition or my higher self. Listening to the soft inner voice is hard. Taking the time and becoming quiet enough be able to hear the voice is sometimes even harder; we are often in such a hurry. This card encourages us to notice the little miracles in our life; the “road signs” along the way. So not only listening but noticing small details too. Mmmm, that is starting to sound a lot like living in the present moment and being mindful of how we experience life on a daily base.

Maybe if we would have been more mindful to begin with, we could have prevented the forest fire? Or do we welcome Chaos to help us to clear old and dead wood?

Six of Swords – Never give up hope

Today’s card is the Six of Swords from the Wild Unknown Tarot.  A card of breathing out and accepting the situation we are in. Only after we have accepted our (mental) struggle, we can begin to change our ways of thinking into more positive and healthy thought patterns.  In this depiction we see six swords laying at the bottom of the card, apparently in the pouring rain or as I first thought, at the bottom of a well. It doesn’t make so much difference because the arching colorful rainbow at the top of the card is the most significant aspect of this version of the Six of Swords. The card is urging us to move our gaze upward: to look beyond the darkness and see the rainbow, the symbol of hope. 

I once came across a very fitting acronym of hope: Hold On, Pain Ends. Only after we stop fighting the darkness, the light can enter our mind during the moments of peaceful acceptance that this too will pass.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear”

The Knight of Wands – My new best friend

Yesterday I’ve received the Raven's Prophecy Tarot by Maggie Stiefvater in the mail and because we have been quite busy decorating for Christmas, these two cards are the first ones I pulled from the deck.

The Knight of Wands, my least favorite card for ages but recently it has become one of my “sigh cards”. Whenever he shows up I get the feeling I am Brave enough  to do whatever I set my mind too. Up until now this card has always been mainly about overcoming my creative fears. So when I asked in what area of my life he would be willing to help me I was very surprised I got the Ten of Wands. This is the card of burdens and burn-outs. So soon in December and already I’ve pulled Ten of Wands. Together these two cards are telling me not to be afraid of whatever comes my way this month. They assure me I will be able to find the energy and courage to engage any challenge ahead and they also remind me I don’t have to do everything on my own. I have the tendency to believe “Ellen knows best” but I also know I have two very capable loving daughters and a darling SIL who are always willing to do one’s bit whenever this is needed and/or asked.  Also I will remember the almost magical soothing effect of making art. So whenever my head hangs low from anxiety and fear caused by the burden of feeling overly responsible, my paints and pencils will always be ready for action.

Painting Chestnuts

This month the shadow work challenge  on Instagram is taking up a lot of my energy. Although it has been  only eight days ago since we've started, it's been a pretty intense experience so far. It feels like this challenge has entered my life at exactly right moment.
But sometimes I need to take a step aside and do something entirely different otherwise this challenge might get too overwhelming fro me
So I picked up my pens and drew some chestnuts which I colored with watercolors
That sounded so much more easy than it actually was :)
Three days ago I got the idea to make this painting and today I finally did it. I faced my fear of failing and enjoyed the process of making this so much, I thought share this one with you.

Queen of Knives – dispelling the shadows

After the my last post about the Five of Knives, today I drew a card from the Tarot of Vampyres with the following question: What do I need to dispel the shadow; who will wake me up from this dreamy, unconscious state of mind?

And then there she is: The Queen of Knives, my most favorite ally in a tarot deck and the representation of that part of me which can deal with almost everything. She is the one who takes over when somebody in my family needs my complete attention, support and problem solving skills. And now she is here for me. How often do we forget to apply our strengths to help ourselves. 

This Queen is the embodiment of consciousness and intelligence with a intuitive and caring nature, She is a queen after all. She is intelligent and empathetic, honest and wise and although she  can be painfully truthful, she never intends to hurt us. I always think of her as woman who has experienced the entire suit of Swords, so she knows what problems we are dealing with when we come to her for help. She is determined  to shine her light over our clouded minds. She uncovers our fears and our detrimental defense mechanisms. She allows our true self to shine. She separates our mind from our unconscious, hardly impenetrable, swamp and in doing so she enables us to a see our fears for what they really are. And this can be the first step to embrace our shadow instead of fearing it. The most important lesson she will teach us today is to be honest.  And being totally honest to ourselves is maybe the most difficult  aspect of honesty there is.

Five of Knives – There’s a shadow hanging over me...

After the challenge of the Five of Scepters, today we have the Five of Knives from the Tarot of Vampyres. We see a young woman sleeping, while a dark winged vampire is crouching beside her. As with a lot of other versions of the five of Swords, the first question we have to ask ourselves is: who do we identify with? The girl, dominated by irrational fears or the vampire who manipulates and controls his victim by feeding these fears?  As you might have suspected, I feel more related to the young woman. She is sleeping, unaware of the malicious influence of the vampire, the symbol of our most primal fears of loss, abandonment, unworthiness etc. But all is not lost, She only has to wake up from her dreaming state and use her mind, the knife in the foreground, to cut through the deceit of the vampire and see life for what it really is. Too often nothing is as bad and scary as we fear it might be. Again when are able to wake up and face the vampire, then we can set free so much energy to put to use for our own personal development and transformation. Then we can climb the stairs in the background to a deeper understanding of who we really are.

Five of Scepters - Feel the fear and do it anyway

Today’s card is the Five of Scepters from the Tarot of Vampyres by Ian Daniels. This card is all about  the power of will, determination, struggle and defiance

Being truthful to yourself and getting real is often scary but, facing your fears and deepest doubts and worries can be life changing. They  can teach you where you strength is hidden and possible leaking away. Imagine what you could do if you would challenge your fears and overcome them.  So much energy could be directed to more positive aspects of your life: compassion, love, creativity etc.

Yesterday I’ve posted a picture on Instagram of this deck and expressed my belated enthusiasm for it. I have this deck in my collection for almost a year now and never could feel any connection with it, until now. Although I wanted to save it for October, last weekend I couldn’t resist the urge to pick it up and try to work with it again. Then, totally unexpected, both the cards and the guidebook really hit home with me.  Simultaneously I hesitated to blog about my draws because I felt I was not familiar enough with the deck to give my two cents about the cards. And what if people thought it was the “wrong” season? What would my readers think about an older woman with an vampire deck?  Is it perhaps too sensual for my blog?? So much insecurity welled  from within. I recognized an old ugly inner kobold. He is called: “What would people think of me?” And then, looking at this card, suddenly I knew...This is what this deck all about: Feeling the fear and do it anyway.

Queen of Stones - waking up from hibernation

For today I've drawn the Queen of Stones from the Wildwood tarot. We see a mother bear checking the weather outside her winter lair. Is it already warm enough to end her hibernation and go out with her cubs? Or is it still too cold? 

Like a good Queen of Stones, this bear puts her children first. She is the nurturer, the caregiver, the main source of food and she teaches them how to be a bear. She is protective because she knows  how dangerous the world can be and perhaps she is even hesitant to take her cubs out of her safe haven.

I can relate to this fear for my “cubs”, which started when they left my house to play outside. When I think back this was the time I became more anxious and controlling. Somewhere along the line I began to fear the outside world. Of course this was a long-term process but some intimidating events did speed it up.

When we look at this queen, I feel her hesitance but also her longing for fresh air and adventure; to play with her cubs in a stream filled with salmon. To feel the warm sun on her pelt. Longing for all the good life has to offer, which is so much more than the cave were she was sleeping….

Kali - Facing fears

Yesterday I've compared Storm Angel with the Tower and that reminded me of The Tower card from the Chrysalis Tarot which depicts the goddess Kali

She is a Hindu goddess, an aspect of Devi, the Divine Feminine. She is a slayer of Demons (mostly inner ones) and a Goddess of Time and Death. Although she has a frightful appearance she is a loving, protective mother goddess

“She is the goddess of the ending of cycles, the death and transformation energy that lets go of the old and brings in the new. Kali is a loving energy that helps free us of fear, she only destroys that which keeps us in bondage”,

She will help us with: Courage, Determination, Direction, Focus, Motivation, Protection, Tenacity

 I am going to put a depiction of her on my altar as a focal point for the coming time. It is almost Samhain, a time to let go of old and non serving thought patterns. Fear is one of my largest stumbling blocks and is keeping me from the things I really want to do and even to a point  I don’t always know what I really want anymore. I am so good  in avoiding difficult situations

Kali is all about facing our fears and acknowledging them is the first step. I don’t expect to get rid of them right away. She is also goddess of time. It will probably be a spiraling process; each time around I will free myself a bit more. To accept this is a learning process too.

The Moon on Water – You can’t be sure of anything

For today I've drawn The Moon on Water from The Wildwood Tarot. The moon is full. We see the shadows of a heron, an auroch and a flight of crows. The moon sheds her light over the marsh. It creates the illusion of a pathway. Everything seems so clear and bright in the silver light of the full moon, yet everything looks different than during the day. We fear what is hiding in the shadows and we don’t know what is hidden in this primal egg beneath the surface of the water. Just as we are apprehensive for our own unconscious; an unknown territory only accessible by our intuition, with its ambiguous messages. All these uncertainties can cause anxiety and stress. We are curious about this egg but at the same time we are fearful for what will happen if we ignite its hatching with our creative force. So often we are paralyzed, not knowing what to do. How do we ever know we make the right choice. The answer is as difficult as it is simple. We only have to make the best choice for now, see what happens and go from there; one step at the time. The most important thing is to keep going.

“To fight fear, act. To increase fear - wait, put off postpone.” David Joseph Schwartz