Five of Air - Fear

Today's card is Five of Air from the Vision Quest Tarot. It's called Fear. When I saw this card my throat tightened and I felt almost immediately my anxiety creeping up on me. How could I write about fear? How could I share the magnitude of the hold it has over me. Fear is my constant companion and my biggest enemy.  It protects me from having to take risks and it prevents me from living a full life. It binds me to home, it lets my paints go to waist. It keeps me from playfully trying but it also prevents me from failing.
The question this card is asking me is how to face and perhaps even befriend my fear. How to coax it gently from de driver's seat to the back seat. Fear should not be seen as an enemy but as a way of learning about possible risks and how to proceed with caution and curiosity. Only when Fear is taking over all other instincts and our will to move forward we have to step up and say: "No more of this!"
Today this card has inspired me to blog and express myself, despite feeling blocked and thinking I have nothing to add to the conversation. I think Fear and I are going to have a serious chat about who is in charge of Ellen...

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones." Thich Nhat Hanh

Eight of Grails – Facing our despair

Today’s card is the Eight of Grails from the Tarot of Vampyres.  This is a card of inevitable endings; of leaving the murky waters of stagnant and even sometimes venomous emotions and feelings. 

The vampire lord is wading through the foggy swamps of his unconscious, still unable to fathom how he could lose his way entirely. He knows he has to get out of here but isn’t entirely sure which way to go. Luckily he still has some time to get his bearings because he is wearing a mask which will protect him for a while longer from the poisonous gasses.

I think we all have been in this kind of situation. Often it seems that the most difficult part is to decide enough is enough and something has to change. We need to save ourselves or we need to reach out to someone who will help us.

But in my experience, something has to happen before we can make this decision. When we are in an emotional crisis we tend to run away from everything which triggers our feelings of despair. We keep busy, distracted, and we numb ourselves. Everything goes as long as we don’t have to feel what is crying out to us just beneath the surface of our consciousness. To hear this, and acknowledge there is something troubling us very deeply, we have to become silent, journey inwards and face our feelings, how sad and painful they may be. Only then we can start making a change towards the nine of Grails: a place where our wishes will come true again. Then we will be able to find joy and happiness and follow that soft voice of our intuition. Yes, then we are moving forward again. 

Four of Cups - Snap out of it!

Today’s card is the Four of Cups from the Smith-Waite Centennial Tarot. This card is all about discontent, boredom and lack of interest in about everything. Look how he has closed himself off from all outside suggestions on how to feel better. If we are getting stuck in this energy it can easily lead to self-pity and even depression.

It has been quite a while since I really felt like blogging or in doing anything whatsoever and this card depicts this feeling perfectly well,. Yes, I have been very busy moving my husband to a temporary care home because the house where he was living before is getting a rebuild. This event was physical and emotional draining for me. It left me with little energy for myself and it eventually got the best of me. I know all too well this kind of thinking can easily become habitual and self-sustaining. I knew something had to change but it felt like I wasn’t able to do so. Until this morning, when M told me I had to become responsible for my own wellbeing and to be willing to do the things which would make me feel better. She can be quite persuasive when she feels it is necessary. So I got out of my chair, took a shower, went out for some groceries and started blogging. I feel like a different woman now. I have flipped a switch and I have snapped out of this funk.  Thank you, my dear girl, for a firm kick in the butt.

Five of Earth - When the rain comes

Today’s card is the Five of Earth from the Gaian Tarot. In this card we see someone taking shelter under a makeshift  little hut made from whatever the forest provided at the time.

Although I am feeling better and Spring has arrived over here, it is still raining inside me from time to time. This card highlights our ability to survive whenever storm  blows in; accompanied by heavy rainfall. Then we have to make do with what we have and what we are capable of.

The  little shelter in the card represents the times when I have been able to lift up my spirit and to chase away the dark clouds. This could have been as easy as taking a little stroll, painting intuitively with watercolors, watching series etc. Just as with making this shelter, it doesn’t matter what you use or how you do, it as long as it is fit for purpose.

Several years of therapy have equipped me with some really helpful tools and insights for whenever the weather might change. Although I still suffer from depressions, I am grateful that lately it is not as scary and dark anymore as it used to be. 

Queen of Wands - To Life!

This morning I got up a bit earlier than usual with the intention to meditate, draw a tarot card and journal about it. I even lit a candle for the occasion. And what a wonderful way to start the day it was. I wonder if I will be able to remember this until tomorrow morning. Just kidding! Since I am not a long distant runner and terrible with challenges, I will try to do this morning “routine”  for a week from today and I promise myself not to beat myself up if I skip a day.

My card for today is the Queen of wands from the Tarot of the Hidden Realm. Look at her cheeky smile as if she is saying: “I told you so, everything will be okay. Even if you don’t feel my warmth and my fiery energy for a while, it doesn’t mean I have abandoned you. I am always on your side. Together we can accomplish anything, even a a nagging and paralyzing depression. So smile my dearest, take a walk, create, dance, write, cook, anything will do as long as you do something, even if it  seems you are only pretending. Action is the way of out of sadness. So go for it girl and life!"

Somehow the cards in this deck are so talkative. I used to find them very hard to read with but nowadays they word so perfectly what I need to hear.

Sowilo and Six of Wands – Be mindful of every victory you achieve

Today’s rune is Sowilo (Sun). This is the rune of success, vitality, self-actualization and positive energy. A very welcome reminder for me to get out of my comfy chair and do something, anything, to get out of the slump in which I am finding myself lately. I am the only one who can take back the wheel and start the ignition to continue my journey. I know how it works; I have been in a situation like this more than I care for but somehow when I am stuck in a rut, I seem to have forgotten how to climb out of it.

So I asked what could help me to achieve this and I got the Six of Wands from the  Anna K Tarot. Not my most favorite depiction of the this card but it will do for today! I feel this card has come up to remind me that it is not about the final big victory, the “I am feeling and victorious every day of my life now”. No, today this card reminds me of the smaller, seemingly insignificant victories. When you are feeling depressed this could be as simple as getting out of bed, brushing your teeth, taking a stroll, reading a few pages in a novel, making dinner etc. These are some of the most basic activities of  our life but some days, we may count them among our victories and celebrate them and  be grateful we have achieved them; again.

So today I am going to be mindful of my achievements, how small  they may be and celebrate each and every one of them with a feeling  of joyful satisfaction.

Three of Pentacles and Ace of Wands – A gentle kick in the butt

As you all know, I haven’t been feeling so well lately. Also I have been considering to take a short hiatus from blogging and social media all together.  Some days it feels like I am just going through the motions and ticking of my daily boxes.  The last two days I have been pampering myself and it felt really good: listening to music, reading books, drinking coffee, nibbling on biscuits, taking long showers and so forth. But  even pampering gets boring, although I am still not there yet. So  I asked my cards for advice on where to go from here. 

The Three of Pentacles came up: Creativity shared with friends. No Hermit or Four of Swords, which are my go-to cards in a situation like this. The other card which came up was the Ace of Wands: A budding wand, filled with so much potential. But be careful not to nip all these juicy ideas in the bud. Choose one and cherish is like a new born child.  

So here I am again with another blog post thanks to my “cardboard therapist” and it actually feels good to write this; sharing how it is right now and not pretending to be something I am not. Feeling like this often fills me with shame and/or guilt, because how can I permit myself these feelings when so many live in much more dire circumstances than I do. But it is what it is and I know from experience I will get better, probable sooner than later, because I’ve learned to recognize the signs early on.

Feeling like this confronts me with difficult lesson in self love. It is so easy  to love and  embrace who we are when all is well and life is on the upside but this lesson is about the hardest part: loving ourselves when we are faced with parts of ourselves we don’t like at all and are often embarrassed about.

 “I will be gentle with myself and I will only go as fast as the slowest part of me feels safe to go” Karin Drucker

Seven of Stones – Don't let Regret and Guilt pin you down

Today I was wondering what aspect of my shadow needs to have a closer look. And I pulled the Seven of Stones form the Chrysalis Tarot. A girl is sitting near a river with a pan flute in her hand. She looks depressed. Guilt and regret are weighing her down and she is wondering if this downcast feeling will ever stop. When we feel like this, we often get the advice to let go and move on but these kind of feelings can tie you down  to the past with strong roots and poisonous vines. O, how she longs to wash these feeling away in the river but the more she thinks about it, the more difficult it seems to be. Would she still be able to recognize herself without her grief???

What energy could be helpful in such a situation? 

The Muse, The queen of Spirals is coming to the rescue. Like all queens she is a soft and nurturing energy who will put her hand on your shoulder and whispers soft and encouraging words in your ear. 

And then hardly noticeable she will put the desire into your heart to do something. And no, it doesn’t have to be super creative because that might block you instantly. She will guide you gently to something you wouldn’t mind doing  for a while, like knitting or crochet, coloring a mandala, weeding the garden or taking a little walk. And each time we do something like this, the attachment to our regret and guilt will dissolve little by little and it will get easier to do something we love. One day we can look back and see that we have indeed washed them away in that river. This process has made us stronger and more resilient and it has taught us how to cope when we might come across other challenges in our life. 

What do you feel? - What do I Feel?

 

It has been some days since I pulled a card for myself. But somehow I needed an angle on how to write this post so I picked up my Sacred Rebels Oracle and pulled:  “What do you feel” Without looking in the guidebook this card sums up quite nicely what is going on and it is a great follow up on my last post. The card is painted in black and white expect for her juggling items (apple, Earth and orange) She seems totally absorbed by keeping her balls in the air and she cannot chose which ones to let go in order to move forward. This feeling is paralyzing but also the opportunity, the door to healing. The choice has to be hers alone. She has to feel good about it. Only  then will she regain her true colors

The reason I haven’t been blogging much is that lately I feel depleted, depressed and sad. I didn't want to mention this on my blog because feeling like this is always accompanied by feelings of shame and failure.  My depression is chronic but due to medication very manageable but sometimes it flares up intensely and that frightens  me.  I do have the skills and tools not to fall back into that  deep pitch-black hole but still it scares me when I feel like this again. The reason I am writing about this, is that I want to stop feeling myself guilty ashamed and unworthy because I am suffering from a chronic depression.  It is time to get real: this is who I am and this is how I feel today.

The apple blossom in the  photo I took  is a promise that this too will pass.