New moon in Januari

For this new moon, I have pulled one card from the Thoth Tarot as to what energy I should embrace during this next cycle of the Moon and I got The Hanged Man. Some of its keywords are: rigidity, ending of a stagnated situation, new ways of looking at things, letting go of old behavioral patterns.  This hanged man has nowhere to go. There is now way to escape his situation. His eyes are closed, blind for everything which doesn’t align with his point a view. He is totally disconnected from his intuition and heart centered wisdom.

Yet, since there is no way out the only forward is to go within.  Only then will the snake wake up and rise from the dark grave. Then the Hanged Man can find freedom from past convictions and behavior. It is there  and then that he can undergo a profound transformation. He can free himself from the need of being always right and in control. If he can let go of these rigid ways of thinking he will set himself free and become a different person altogether.

It’s is a lot for one lunation but I am not surprised this card has comes up for me (again). If I will be able to only touch the surface of this card during the next four weeks I will be thankful and content. Habitual patterns created over many years are usually not discarded in a few weeks.

Affirmation: “I will let go of my need to be in control all the time and realize that life will present itself moment by moment”

Eight of Grails – Facing our despair

Today’s card is the Eight of Grails from the Tarot of Vampyres.  This is a card of inevitable endings; of leaving the murky waters of stagnant and even sometimes venomous emotions and feelings. 

The vampire lord is wading through the foggy swamps of his unconscious, still unable to fathom how he could lose his way entirely. He knows he has to get out of here but isn’t entirely sure which way to go. Luckily he still has some time to get his bearings because he is wearing a mask which will protect him for a while longer from the poisonous gasses.

I think we all have been in this kind of situation. Often it seems that the most difficult part is to decide enough is enough and something has to change. We need to save ourselves or we need to reach out to someone who will help us.

But in my experience, something has to happen before we can make this decision. When we are in an emotional crisis we tend to run away from everything which triggers our feelings of despair. We keep busy, distracted, and we numb ourselves. Everything goes as long as we don’t have to feel what is crying out to us just beneath the surface of our consciousness. To hear this, and acknowledge there is something troubling us very deeply, we have to become silent, journey inwards and face our feelings, how sad and painful they may be. Only then we can start making a change towards the nine of Grails: a place where our wishes will come true again. Then we will be able to find joy and happiness and follow that soft voice of our intuition. Yes, then we are moving forward again. 

Eight of Cups - Leaving is not always the best option

Today’s card is the Eight of Cups from The Wild Unknown Tarot. Eight shattered cups are laying on the ground in the shadow of a high and steep mountain. 

Our cups are empty and apparently beyond repair. Al the things which once fulfilled us and made us happy are gone and it seems the only way forward is to leave the remnants behind, climb the mountain and take a chance with what’s on the other side…

So what can we expect on the other side? And I pulled the Five of Swords, which depicts a worm, cut in two pieces. This is one of the most gruesome cards of the deck. I think this card is telling me life sucks one either side of the mountain and it is up to us to bloom where we are planted. So maybe it’s better to pick up what can be salvaged and for the remaining shards, I will have to find a broom and dustpan to clean up the mess. I do hope have learned enough from my mistakes and successes to build something new and fresh right here, where I belong.

For today I will try to look at my life from a fresh point a view and if I discover a broken cup, then first I will try to glue it together but is it is broken beyond repair, I’ll throw in the bin and find a new one.

Undressing of a salad - Keeping our balance at all cost?

Today’s card is “Undressing the Salad” of The Faeries' Oracle and it features a bluish young faerie juggling his balls with a little help from the crouching faerie on the head of large gnome who is looking in two directions at once. A strange name for a strange card but for today I will focus on whether or not it is possible to always maintain our balance, in every moment, whatever it may bring. I think not. In my humble opinion balance is something we can strive for, experience it for a while and eventually, we fall out of balance again. This cycle will keep repeating itself as long as we keep striving for balance. Maybe this cycle is also a sort of balance or perhaps even more a rhythm of life with its ups and downs; of breathing in and breathing out. It definitely sounds more natural to me than maintaining our balance at all cost, all the time.

So for today I will take it easy because the last few days were quite busy.  For me a perfect  way to live a balanced life J

Seven of Wands - True Colors

Today’s card is the Seven of Wands from the Joie de Vivre Tarot. This card is about courage, persistence and standing up for yourself. Instead of the defensive character of the Rider Waite version of this card, here we see the aftermath of the battle. Beam, beaming with confidence and joy, has stood up for his beliefs and dreams and has shown the townsfolk, who want everyone to be like them, that it is okay and quit rewarding to be who you truly are. To show your creative nature, your own uniqueness; your true colors. He has taken off his greyish coat and is brave enough to show the colorful outfit he is wearing underneath. Even though it was a bit scary at first, he is so happy he has come this far.    

I wonder what he will do next. Will he come down to live among the townsfolk again; Inspiring them to live a more authentic life or will he turn around and search for his own tribe?

"I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful
Like a rainbow"
(Cyndi Lauper)
 

Five of Earth - When the rain comes

Today’s card is the Five of Earth from the Gaian Tarot. In this card we see someone taking shelter under a makeshift  little hut made from whatever the forest provided at the time.

Although I am feeling better and Spring has arrived over here, it is still raining inside me from time to time. This card highlights our ability to survive whenever storm  blows in; accompanied by heavy rainfall. Then we have to make do with what we have and what we are capable of.

The  little shelter in the card represents the times when I have been able to lift up my spirit and to chase away the dark clouds. This could have been as easy as taking a little stroll, painting intuitively with watercolors, watching series etc. Just as with making this shelter, it doesn’t matter what you use or how you do, it as long as it is fit for purpose.

Several years of therapy have equipped me with some really helpful tools and insights for whenever the weather might change. Although I still suffer from depressions, I am grateful that lately it is not as scary and dark anymore as it used to be. 

Self - Who are you right now?

Today’s card is “Self” from the Dreams of Gaia Tarot and this card is all about self realization, discovering and accepting who you are and trying to live an authentic life.

Our idea of Self is (thank God/dess) ever changing and always evolving. For me this is beautifully represented by the roses in full bloom, the butterfly and the flying doves. We aren’t the  same as we were ten, five or one year ago and even not the same as we were last month, last week or yesterday. This might give us some insecurity about not knowing who we really are today but what we can be sure of  that we are the result of our past notions of Self.  Not only of our own previous perceptions of who we were but also who others told us we were (right or wrong) I “know” I am stubborn because my mother told me so frequently when I wanted to do things my own way.  Maybe if  she’d praised me for being determined, I would have had a slightly different idea of “Self”?

So this card encourages me to sit with “who am I right now?” and find out what is still true and what is outdated or hearsay . Only when we have established and accepted who we are today, we can choose intentionally who we want to become tomorrow.  

Visualizing our future self will give us some idea of who we want to become and when we are actively involved in becoming who we are meant to be, we will be able to unlock the door to our inner sanctuary called “Self” where we will find fulfillment and peace.

Four of Swords - Doing nothing is sometimes the best thing to do

For today I got the Four of Swords from the Wild Unknown Tarot. A little lamb is resting, while four swords are hanging above him. On the place of his third eye a light is shining brightly. He seems like he is not afraid of those swords. He knows he has to turn inward to access his mental strength and clarity in order to cope with them before they might strike and wound him severely.

For me these Swords symbolize my reaction to Saturday’s Skeleton card. I thought I had overcome the challenge it represents a long time ago but now it strikes back and I have to deal with it again. Parts of me need to get some more meat on the bones, made stronger and less vulnerable. My initial reaction to all of this was: let’s handle this quickly; put a kiss and a bandage on the sore spot and move on. But after given it some more thought I knew this skeleton needed more gentleness, nurturing love and time to heal this time around. So my card for today is about giving myself the time to do nothing about all of this and just sit with the notion of feeling vulnerable and being okay with it. No more hiding behind a clever and fierce appearance but really trying to connect with this part of me and then I hope a true and more lasting light will begin to shine from within. Only then healing this part of me might have some more long-term results.

The magician - I am good enough!

Honestly, I am not feeling it lately. While reading and commenting on the blogs of my online friends, I am lost for words when it comes to writing about the cards I draw myself.  And if something comes to mind, it feels empty and shallow. I miss it and it feels a bit lonely….?

So this morning I thought, let’s try it again and I drew the Medicine Man from the Vision Quest Tarot. My first reaction was: “Oh no not this card!. I am in no place to manifest anything!” So I put my deck aside and didn’t give it another thought. But this afternoon I got this pressing feeling to check out the guidebook from the deck and I read:

“The Medicine Man tells you that you already are what you seek. As soon as you turn your attention away from 'wanting to become' to the awareness of 'WHAT IS,' you get a taste of the meaning of this card. Once you focus on 'SIMPLY BEING' and renounce the mind's addiction to complicate everything by thinking about it, a new understanding arises”

And that is exactly the message I needed to hear today. Maybe my intuition didn’t pick up this idea when I looked at the card but it sure did listen to the nudge to read the guidebook. Often when I don’t feel so good I tend to aspire the things that are currently out of reach for me and even feel more poorly because of it:” I want to knit but it is too hot, I want to paint, but I don’t know what, I want a new deck but I don’t know which one.” Yes it all sounds all very whiny doesn’t it but it is what it is for now.  So again, trying to be a very upbeat, active and creative person, when I am  obviously not right now, isn’t very helpful and criticizing myself for it neither. But accepting who I am today and love and care for myself, will help me  move forward step by step.

“Waking up to who you are, requires letting go of who you imagine yourself to be.” -  Alan Watts

Is the Eight of Scrolls stalking me again?

Three times this week I’ve pulled The Eight of Scrolls from the Chrysalis Tarot for my daily draw. That starts to feel a lot like a stalker card, especially since its Rider Waite counterpart, the Eight of Swords has been my stalker card for years. 

I wondered what the visionary in this card wanted me to see more clearly today. What part of my story should I revisit and maybe rewrite from a different, more healing perspective? We are often inclined to play the victim in our stories but what if we could actually see ourselves as the heroes and heroines?

To get some clarity on what aspect of my story I should focus today, I pulled the Five of Spirals. We see a dragon breathing flames into the darkness. This fire represents the light of our conscious awareness. The Dragon is helping us to see what is hidden in the shadows deep within and  more important to acknowledge and accept what we find there. Only then we can try to integrate these shadow parts into ourselves.  Maybe we can learn to see and appreciate the role they’ve played in our story up until now. We can also try to connect these shadows to the more positive parts of our lives. That way we can become the hero of our story. My fears and anxieties have been just as important in becoming who I am today as my strength and determination. We are who we are: complete, whole and good enough. With all our flaws, fears and insecurities, let’s be our best version of ourselves today.

NB:  The Greek word drákōn from derkomai, means "to see clearly” and is the root of the English term, "dragon"

Six of Swords – Never give up hope

Today’s card is the Six of Swords from the Wild Unknown Tarot.  A card of breathing out and accepting the situation we are in. Only after we have accepted our (mental) struggle, we can begin to change our ways of thinking into more positive and healthy thought patterns.  In this depiction we see six swords laying at the bottom of the card, apparently in the pouring rain or as I first thought, at the bottom of a well. It doesn’t make so much difference because the arching colorful rainbow at the top of the card is the most significant aspect of this version of the Six of Swords. The card is urging us to move our gaze upward: to look beyond the darkness and see the rainbow, the symbol of hope. 

I once came across a very fitting acronym of hope: Hold On, Pain Ends. Only after we stop fighting the darkness, the light can enter our mind during the moments of peaceful acceptance that this too will pass.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than fear”

Four of Pentacles - The courage to let go

Almost finished. Only one day to go of the Shadow Work October challenge by Mnomquah. For today we are asked to revisited how we started out on our journey at  the beginning of this month and try to assess how far we’ve come, what we learned and how much work still lies ahead.

To answer these questions I've picked up my Crystal Visions Tarot (long time no see) and I drew the Four of Pentacles. This card holds the answer to about every aspect of my evaluation. I started this journey scared and insecure. Holding on to anything that would make me feel safe, even if it was preventing me to grow. This month I’ve learned to let go of my anxiety and embrace my inner fire, my creativity again.

Deep in the forest,behind the tree we see an inviting light shining bright. Beneath the tree gems and gold are lying all around, waiting to be admired and played with. All this little faery  has to do is to let go of his pentacles, jump on the ground and see how the magical treasures are freely scattered throughout the forest.

This card is also a warning not to get to attached to my happy feeling and creative flow because then they could easily get calcified as: “this is how it always supposed to be”  It is so tempting for this fairy to try to gather all these crystals and gems and get back into his tree again. For now I hope he will be happy to enjoy watching them, playing with them and keep on walking towards the light in forest, where probable even more shiny precious wonders are to be found.

Ace of Wands – Feeling free to be me!

Today’s question for Shadow Work October by Mnomquah is:

Mage - What areas of my life need to be freed from outside influence?

I’ve chosen the Deviant Moon Tarot to help me answer this question and I pulled the Ace of Wands!

“The Ace of Wands heralds the beginning of all that is good as she cradles new life in her arms. Her massive torch is prepared to spread its fire throughout the woods, igniting

minds with creativity and passion.”

Look how she gently holds  her new born in her arms. Just like a mother who is caring for her child, we all should be kind and nurturing for our ideas and dreams about who we want to be and how we want to build and create an authentic life for ourselves. I remember the fire inside when I was much, much younger. I wanted to change the world and make it a better place. I wanted to pursue and Eco-friendly lifestyle. I wanted to be an artist etc. But when I grew older I was taught to be responsible and do as grownups do: find a job, buy a house and start a family.  This is when I started to become more insecure about my own needs and desires. What would others be thinking of my choices?

This card reminds me that I am perfectly able to decide for myself what is best. This doesn’t mean I have to turn my life upside down and start over.  I can start right here and now. For instance I can be more kind and supportive towards my creative endeavors. My creative ideas are worth pursuing even if they aren’t successful. I am allowed to experiment and fail just as I am allowed to succeed and shine. Also I can try to be more clear about what I want and make things happen for me; like choosing what we will eat tonight instead of asking what everybody else wants for dinner. Yes it all sounds so simple but even the smallest steps can be the beginning of significant changes.

Five of Skulls - Step out of the box

Today’s question from Shadow Work October by Mnomquah  is:

Waxing Moon: What should I attract into my life?

To be honest I was tempted to use a cheerful uplifting oracle deck as an easy way out. I didn’t feel like dealing with a challenging card from one of my darker decks. Writing this down I realized this was the case in my last post too. Maybe after twenty days of shadow work I have become bit anxious to discover what other aspects of me are still hiding in the dark…Anyway I found the courage to pick up the Tarot of Vampyres and yes, I got the Five so Skulls. As the answer to my question this card is telling me to step out of my self inflicted confinements and start tearing down the rigid stifling structures of my life which are obstructing my spiritual growth and  other aspects of my personal development. It is time to stop worrying about things that probably will never happen and to face my inner demons. Look how he is crouching over me, holding me down with his terrifying gaze. The only thing I have to do is get up and look him right in the eyes so he will shrivel up in  pile of dust; poof!
And then, when I am standing there, alone in the cold, then it is time to trust my intuition to lead me where I need to be. To let Spirit guide me. I know the challenge of this card won’t be easy. I am not one to step out the box easily but I feel this is the main message I get from the Work I am doing this month: To embrace my  inner warrior and not to be so afraid of whatever might happen. 

Love can’t be measured on a scale.

Today’s question for Shadow Work October by Mnomquah on IG was:

Intimacy: How can you strengthen your bond with your loved ones.

For this question I’ve used the Rider Waite Tarot. After having worked with The “darker” decks for a while, for now it feels more comforting to pull from my trusted Rider Waite deck in order to answer these deep and sometimes disturbing questions. So while shuffling my deck to answer the question for today, The Moon jumped out and I pulled the Six of Pentacles myself.

The moon is all about fear and uncertainty, about not being in control and about a lack of trust and boundaries. Mmm… this is a very blunt way of telling me that my social and emotional skills definitely are in need some healing and polishing up. It is true I’ve been let down so many times in my life that I do have trust issues and also a fear of commitment and abandonment. So fear seems to be a  strong  component of my relationships, which is not a good thing at all.

The Six of Pentacles is maybe a good start to examine how my relationships could be improved. This is a card about interdependence. We see a rich man give to  the poor with one hand and he is holding scales in his other hand. He distributes his money equally to the beggars. The question here is always: who are you, the beggar or the rich man?

For me the message for this card today is to get rid of the scales and give from the heart. In loving relationships the amount of giving and receiving don’t have to be equal and measured. It is not about the worth or weight of the gifts but it is about the intention of giving and being open and willing to receive. Sometimes receiving is even harder then giving, because sometimes you have nothing to give back in return, but a heartfelt  “thank you” and the relationship feels unbalanced. This doesn’t have to be true at all for the main component of each relationship is Love and Love can never be measured on a scale. 

Shadow Work Spread

Today I’ve done the Shadow Work Spread from the Shadow Work October Challenge by @Mnomquah on IG. For this spread I’ve used the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza.

1 The Light – What you know and accept about yourself?

Queen of Cups. I know I am a loving an protective mother. Always listening to others and  trying to understand them and to feel what they need from me; to know how to help them. I also acknowledge my depression and I try to live with it as good as I possible can.

2 The Shadow – What is hidden from you about yourself?

The Knight of Wands. This is the same card as I’ve chosen for my “least favorite card of the deck”. Well now it is obvious why I picked this card. My Shadow wants to be heard loud and clearly. She wants to be adventurous and to try out new things. She knows no fear or at least she will not be held back by it.

3 Why do you fear you Shadow? What is preventing you from seeing and accepting you Shadow?

Six of Wands. I am afraid of the resistance of my loved ones. They don’t know that part of me. Accepting my shadow might cause conflicts and I don’t know if I am brave enough to face that.

4 Why should you embrace your Shadow? What are the positive sides of your Shadow that would benefit you?

Temperance. My personality would be so much more balanced if I could embrace my Shadow. It would be a very healing experience for me.

5 How to integrate the Shadow into the Light. What steps you should take in order to accept your Shadow?

Four of Swords. It is tempting to try to do Shadow Work only in your head. You have to feel and digest what you’ve learned too; really sit with is and let it sink in and take your time for it. This is the part when the real healing begins

6 The Outcome -The possibilities if you succeed in bringing the Shadow into the Light

The  Magician. I like this card in this position. The possibilities are endless, I can do anything I set m mind to, if I marry my Queen of Cups with my Knight of Wands. Yes so much energy will be set free if they live happily ever after

I am always a bit anxious when I am doing a large and very personal spread like this. Would the cards make sense? What if it is all abracadabra? A bit like stage fright perhaps. Anyway I loved how this spread worked out for me and the insights I got from it. Now I am going for a walk; some much needed Four of Swords time....

Id ,Ego and Superego Tarot spread

Today I did the assigned spread for the Shadow Work October challenge by @mnomquah 

I’ve used the Tarot of Vampyres by Ian Daniels for this one. We were advised only to use the Major Arcana but in no means we had to go against our intuition so I decided to pull a Minor to accompany each Minor in this spread.

The positions are:

1 Id - Primal desires – your “wild” child

Strength - My inner child is wilder and stronger then I realize. She is totally in sync with her wild side. She powerful, willful and resourceful. She is so eager to be heard and I love her!

+ Prince of Knives – This card emphasizes she can use her wits to get what she wants and she is not afraid to think out of the box

2 Ego – Your practical “grown up” self; reason and self control

High Priestess - Not so practical, this one. I have been doing the practical thing my whole adult life. Let people cross my boundaries. Put everyone problems  before my own. Now it is time to listen to my intuition. Take care of me first. This phase of my life has a very inward focus. Searching for what I really want, need, love; reclaiming bit by bit who I am supposed to be.

+ Nine of Scepters This was such a welcome card. It feels like my “wild” child is surfacing and she is helping me to protect my boundaries, while I am doing this inner work of bringing all parts of me back together again

3 Superego - Your philosophical and spiritual ideals, the "Quest for Perfection"

Justice – Always seeking for balance, finding my center, meaning and purpose. Trying to be fair and just to everyone and now also to myself. Finding  a spiritual path which will keep me balanced when challenges arise

+ Four of Skulls – I have to be mindful not to get caught up in other peoples rules and dogma’s. I have to be my own guide. It is easy to be tempted to follow a set path but I know I am too much of a Hermit to belong to any group or to endorse a religion.

It was a very illuminating reading for me especially about the part of the “wild” child and how she appears as the Nine of Scepters in my daily life. At the end of the reading it struck  me how the subdued energy of the High Priestess is surrounded by much more vibrant cards 

I guess there is a whole lot more going on under the surface then I realized. I do enjoy this Challenge so much! 

Five of Rainbows – The Outsider opens the gate

For today I've drawn the Five Of Rainbows (Pentacles) from the Osho Zen tarot.

“A small child is standing on one side of a gate, looking through it. He is so small, and so convinced that he cannot get through. He cannot see that the chain holding the gate is not locked; all he has to do is open it.

Whenever we feel 'left out', or excluded, it brings up this feeling of being a small, helpless child. It is not surprising, as the feeling is deeply rooted in our earliest childhood experiences. The problem is that, because it is so deeply rooted, it plays over and over again, like a tape, in our lives.”

This card is telling me to stop doubting myself. To stop imagining what other people might think of me. I have been disappointed in people many times, many ways. Always thinking there had to be something wrong with me. That I wasn't good enough. I was raised to be a people pleaser and when I didn't feel accepted I always thought I hadn't done enough to get them to like me. When I look at this card I even think maybe the chain is the child’s way of keeping the bad world outside; afraid to get hurt again.

But lately I have come to realize there is nothing wrong with me. I am  good just the way I am right now. I've learned to accept and yes, to truly love myself. I know I am precious and worthy of Love. So let’s open the gate and step into the world full of rainbow colors!

Three of Mirrors - The lion and the lamb

For today I've got the Three of Mirrors (Cups) from the Chrysalis Tarot. Here we see a picture of  the proverbial lion and the lamb, which is by the way a misquote because Isaiah talked about a wolf and a lamb but the intention is still the same. The Three of Mirrors is all about togetherness and celebration but in this depiction even more about compassion and acceptance. How often do we judge others according to our own so high and mighty standards. Who can live up to our expectations? Maybe if we would see ourselves reflected in the mirror of Love, we would be more inclined to see the inner beauty of others too. What would the lion see when he would look the lamb in his eyes? Maybe he could see his own tenderness and inner fears and vice versa the lamb could see his growing courage. There is no real separation between ourselves and others. We are all loved in the eyes of the Divine. They say our eyes are the mirrors of our soul. Perhaps this is a good time to have a closer look at the person  in front of us with compassion, acceptance and Love, especially when it is the one in the mirror.

"I'm starting with the man in the mirror,

I'm asking him to change his ways,

And no message could have been any clearer,

If you wanna make the world a better place,

Take a look at yourself and then make a change"

Michael Jackson

All you need is love

October 9: A large oak tree can grow from a small acorn. Acorns symbolize the harvest of projects that need a long time to bear fruit. What takes a long time for me to bear fruit?

Druidcraft Tarot

My card for today is the Ace of cups from the Druidcraft Tarot. Not the most easy card for me but definitely a beautiful card. Always when I see this card I think: “my cup runneth over”. I wish it was. The Ace of cups is all about love; all sorts of love. But when your cup keeps pouring love there must be a source inside that keeps the flow going. And strangely that source is the same love. I used to think the more love you get, the more you have to give. But when one of my main sources of love was cut off, my cup didn't run over any more. After a long process of grief and healing acceptance, I've learned that it isn't the more you get, the more you can give. But instead, the more you give, the more you have. For you cannot give what isn't already there.  The second thing was that loving myself is as valid as being loved by somebody else. So gradually my spring of love is coming to life again. Now I realize it will be a lifetime of tending and caring for this strong and yet so fragile flowing cup. And my harvest? A lifetime of drinking and sharing from that same cup.