Happy Halloween and a Blessed Samhain

I want to wish you all a beautiful Halloween/Samhain. 

The photo is taken by M and she has also baked these delicious pumpkin cupcakes for us

Hugs!

Four of Pentacles - The courage to let go

Almost finished. Only one day to go of the Shadow Work October challenge by Mnomquah. For today we are asked to revisited how we started out on our journey at  the beginning of this month and try to assess how far we’ve come, what we learned and how much work still lies ahead.

To answer these questions I've picked up my Crystal Visions Tarot (long time no see) and I drew the Four of Pentacles. This card holds the answer to about every aspect of my evaluation. I started this journey scared and insecure. Holding on to anything that would make me feel safe, even if it was preventing me to grow. This month I’ve learned to let go of my anxiety and embrace my inner fire, my creativity again.

Deep in the forest,behind the tree we see an inviting light shining bright. Beneath the tree gems and gold are lying all around, waiting to be admired and played with. All this little faery  has to do is to let go of his pentacles, jump on the ground and see how the magical treasures are freely scattered throughout the forest.

This card is also a warning not to get to attached to my happy feeling and creative flow because then they could easily get calcified as: “this is how it always supposed to be”  It is so tempting for this fairy to try to gather all these crystals and gems and get back into his tree again. For now I hope he will be happy to enjoy watching them, playing with them and keep on walking towards the light in forest, where probable even more shiny precious wonders are to be found.

Learning to appreciate the Knight of Wands

After nearly a month of shadow work, how do I feel about my least favorite tarot card of the deck: the Knight of Wands? Honestly my feelings couldn’t have been more opposite and if you would have asked me this in the beginning of the month I would never ever have believed my opinion about this knight could changed so much.

In my previous post about him I wrote how much I disliked his high spirited and adventurous nature and I even confessed I might be a bit jealous of him.

Well this month he has slowly come out of the shadows and I really came to appreciate his qualities. It is so easy to forget the positive aspect of a card you dislike. As always an aversion to a card says more about us than about the card itself. It is only natural when a card represents a shadow aspect of ourselves we are not prone to like it. But this month’s work showed me I was more afraid of this knight than that I actually disliked him. If I would dare to embrace him I might have to face my creative drive, embrace my passion and be vulnerable because I could fail or maybe even worse; be successful….

So carefully I’ve started to draw and paint again and I love it. It is still scary but I don’t feel anxious about it. For the first time in years I have started a painting on canvas. Rarely did I consider my art worthy enough to do so. Yes participating in this challenge has definitely opened some doors and windows for me and now a fresh breeze is caressing my soul

Ace of Wands – Feeling free to be me!

Today’s question for Shadow Work October by Mnomquah is:

Mage - What areas of my life need to be freed from outside influence?

I’ve chosen the Deviant Moon Tarot to help me answer this question and I pulled the Ace of Wands!

“The Ace of Wands heralds the beginning of all that is good as she cradles new life in her arms. Her massive torch is prepared to spread its fire throughout the woods, igniting

minds with creativity and passion.”

Look how she gently holds  her new born in her arms. Just like a mother who is caring for her child, we all should be kind and nurturing for our ideas and dreams about who we want to be and how we want to build and create an authentic life for ourselves. I remember the fire inside when I was much, much younger. I wanted to change the world and make it a better place. I wanted to pursue and Eco-friendly lifestyle. I wanted to be an artist etc. But when I grew older I was taught to be responsible and do as grownups do: find a job, buy a house and start a family.  This is when I started to become more insecure about my own needs and desires. What would others be thinking of my choices?

This card reminds me that I am perfectly able to decide for myself what is best. This doesn’t mean I have to turn my life upside down and start over.  I can start right here and now. For instance I can be more kind and supportive towards my creative endeavors. My creative ideas are worth pursuing even if they aren’t successful. I am allowed to experiment and fail just as I am allowed to succeed and shine. Also I can try to be more clear about what I want and make things happen for me; like choosing what we will eat tonight instead of asking what everybody else wants for dinner. Yes it all sounds so simple but even the smallest steps can be the beginning of significant changes.

Five of Skulls - Step out of the box

Today’s question from Shadow Work October by Mnomquah  is:

Waxing Moon: What should I attract into my life?

To be honest I was tempted to use a cheerful uplifting oracle deck as an easy way out. I didn’t feel like dealing with a challenging card from one of my darker decks. Writing this down I realized this was the case in my last post too. Maybe after twenty days of shadow work I have become bit anxious to discover what other aspects of me are still hiding in the dark…Anyway I found the courage to pick up the Tarot of Vampyres and yes, I got the Five so Skulls. As the answer to my question this card is telling me to step out of my self inflicted confinements and start tearing down the rigid stifling structures of my life which are obstructing my spiritual growth and  other aspects of my personal development. It is time to stop worrying about things that probably will never happen and to face my inner demons. Look how he is crouching over me, holding me down with his terrifying gaze. The only thing I have to do is get up and look him right in the eyes so he will shrivel up in  pile of dust; poof!
And then, when I am standing there, alone in the cold, then it is time to trust my intuition to lead me where I need to be. To let Spirit guide me. I know the challenge of this card won’t be easy. I am not one to step out the box easily but I feel this is the main message I get from the Work I am doing this month: To embrace my  inner warrior and not to be so afraid of whatever might happen. 

Love can’t be measured on a scale.

Today’s question for Shadow Work October by Mnomquah on IG was:

Intimacy: How can you strengthen your bond with your loved ones.

For this question I’ve used the Rider Waite Tarot. After having worked with The “darker” decks for a while, for now it feels more comforting to pull from my trusted Rider Waite deck in order to answer these deep and sometimes disturbing questions. So while shuffling my deck to answer the question for today, The Moon jumped out and I pulled the Six of Pentacles myself.

The moon is all about fear and uncertainty, about not being in control and about a lack of trust and boundaries. Mmm… this is a very blunt way of telling me that my social and emotional skills definitely are in need some healing and polishing up. It is true I’ve been let down so many times in my life that I do have trust issues and also a fear of commitment and abandonment. So fear seems to be a  strong  component of my relationships, which is not a good thing at all.

The Six of Pentacles is maybe a good start to examine how my relationships could be improved. This is a card about interdependence. We see a rich man give to  the poor with one hand and he is holding scales in his other hand. He distributes his money equally to the beggars. The question here is always: who are you, the beggar or the rich man?

For me the message for this card today is to get rid of the scales and give from the heart. In loving relationships the amount of giving and receiving don’t have to be equal and measured. It is not about the worth or weight of the gifts but it is about the intention of giving and being open and willing to receive. Sometimes receiving is even harder then giving, because sometimes you have nothing to give back in return, but a heartfelt  “thank you” and the relationship feels unbalanced. This doesn’t have to be true at all for the main component of each relationship is Love and Love can never be measured on a scale. 

Shadow Work Spread

Today I’ve done the Shadow Work Spread from the Shadow Work October Challenge by @Mnomquah on IG. For this spread I’ve used the Deviant Moon Tarot by Patrick Valenza.

1 The Light – What you know and accept about yourself?

Queen of Cups. I know I am a loving an protective mother. Always listening to others and  trying to understand them and to feel what they need from me; to know how to help them. I also acknowledge my depression and I try to live with it as good as I possible can.

2 The Shadow – What is hidden from you about yourself?

The Knight of Wands. This is the same card as I’ve chosen for my “least favorite card of the deck”. Well now it is obvious why I picked this card. My Shadow wants to be heard loud and clearly. She wants to be adventurous and to try out new things. She knows no fear or at least she will not be held back by it.

3 Why do you fear you Shadow? What is preventing you from seeing and accepting you Shadow?

Six of Wands. I am afraid of the resistance of my loved ones. They don’t know that part of me. Accepting my shadow might cause conflicts and I don’t know if I am brave enough to face that.

4 Why should you embrace your Shadow? What are the positive sides of your Shadow that would benefit you?

Temperance. My personality would be so much more balanced if I could embrace my Shadow. It would be a very healing experience for me.

5 How to integrate the Shadow into the Light. What steps you should take in order to accept your Shadow?

Four of Swords. It is tempting to try to do Shadow Work only in your head. You have to feel and digest what you’ve learned too; really sit with is and let it sink in and take your time for it. This is the part when the real healing begins

6 The Outcome -The possibilities if you succeed in bringing the Shadow into the Light

The  Magician. I like this card in this position. The possibilities are endless, I can do anything I set m mind to, if I marry my Queen of Cups with my Knight of Wands. Yes so much energy will be set free if they live happily ever after

I am always a bit anxious when I am doing a large and very personal spread like this. Would the cards make sense? What if it is all abracadabra? A bit like stage fright perhaps. Anyway I loved how this spread worked out for me and the insights I got from it. Now I am going for a walk; some much needed Four of Swords time....

Id ,Ego and Superego Tarot spread

Today I did the assigned spread for the Shadow Work October challenge by @mnomquah 

I’ve used the Tarot of Vampyres by Ian Daniels for this one. We were advised only to use the Major Arcana but in no means we had to go against our intuition so I decided to pull a Minor to accompany each Minor in this spread.

The positions are:

1 Id - Primal desires – your “wild” child

Strength - My inner child is wilder and stronger then I realize. She is totally in sync with her wild side. She powerful, willful and resourceful. She is so eager to be heard and I love her!

+ Prince of Knives – This card emphasizes she can use her wits to get what she wants and she is not afraid to think out of the box

2 Ego – Your practical “grown up” self; reason and self control

High Priestess - Not so practical, this one. I have been doing the practical thing my whole adult life. Let people cross my boundaries. Put everyone problems  before my own. Now it is time to listen to my intuition. Take care of me first. This phase of my life has a very inward focus. Searching for what I really want, need, love; reclaiming bit by bit who I am supposed to be.

+ Nine of Scepters This was such a welcome card. It feels like my “wild” child is surfacing and she is helping me to protect my boundaries, while I am doing this inner work of bringing all parts of me back together again

3 Superego - Your philosophical and spiritual ideals, the "Quest for Perfection"

Justice – Always seeking for balance, finding my center, meaning and purpose. Trying to be fair and just to everyone and now also to myself. Finding  a spiritual path which will keep me balanced when challenges arise

+ Four of Skulls – I have to be mindful not to get caught up in other peoples rules and dogma’s. I have to be my own guide. It is easy to be tempted to follow a set path but I know I am too much of a Hermit to belong to any group or to endorse a religion.

It was a very illuminating reading for me especially about the part of the “wild” child and how she appears as the Nine of Scepters in my daily life. At the end of the reading it struck  me how the subdued energy of the High Priestess is surrounded by much more vibrant cards 

I guess there is a whole lot more going on under the surface then I realized. I do enjoy this Challenge so much! 

Time to leave my Tower

For today I wanted to share again a part of the IG Shadow Work challenge with you. This day the question for our daily draw was:

Devil – What do I need to let go of?

For me The Devil is all about illusions, so with that in mind I shuffled my cards and drew the Four of Wands. While shuffling, another card jumped out of the deck, so I decided to pay attention to this one too. It was the Four of Cups. Now I had two fours to work with. Four is the number of Stability and Security but two times four feels more like stagnation and being stuck in the mud.

The four of wands urges me to let go of my futile attempts to keep resembling a nice and quiet conventional family in a house with a white picket fence. I thought I had had it all once but all too soon I discovered that life isn’t about experiencing the suburban bliss but more about how to cope with the many challenges life offers you and how to cherish the moments of breathing in and out in between.

Besides the need of letting go of this illusion it is also important for me to let go of my feelings of discontent with my life as it is right now. Clinging to this illusion and the sadness over my major loss makes it very hard for me to really move forward.

Today, eleven years ago, my dream of always and forever was shattered to pieces. Maybe it is time I try to pick up some to the shards to make room for new dreams. In order to do this it is necessary I leave my tower but before that I have to fill up my Cups with lots of love and gentle compassion for myself because it is so scary….. 

I won a crystal give away

Some time ago I entered a lovely crystal giveaway on YouTube by Larissa from “Storytelling, Tea an Tarot. I only recently started following her channel after we had met on IG. Larissa is a very gifted writer. When she read her cards, a story wants to be written. If  you watch some of her video’s you will be amazed how beautiful and  evocative she writes. I myself find her approach to tarot very inspiring.

Anyway Larissa had decided it was time to let go of some of her crystals, so they could find a new home.

You can imagine how happy I was when discovered I had won this give away.

Yesterday a big envelope arrived from the US. Yes this lovely crystal family flew all the way across the ocean to my home. I found not only the promised crystals in the envelope but also a organza bag with herbs and a postcard from the desert where she lives. She had written the most caring message on the back of the card. For now they are sitting on my altar and are settling in besides my little goddess statue

I would strongly recommend you to check out her channel and if you are on Instagram she is known as @thebardslament 

Painting Chestnuts

This month the shadow work challenge  on Instagram is taking up a lot of my energy. Although it has been  only eight days ago since we've started, it's been a pretty intense experience so far. It feels like this challenge has entered my life at exactly right moment.
But sometimes I need to take a step aside and do something entirely different otherwise this challenge might get too overwhelming fro me
So I picked up my pens and drew some chestnuts which I colored with watercolors
That sounded so much more easy than it actually was :)
Three days ago I got the idea to make this painting and today I finally did it. I faced my fear of failing and enjoyed the process of making this so much, I thought share this one with you.

Struggling with the Knight of Wands

Day 5 My least favorite card. Why? What does it say about me?

For now I would say this is mostly the Knight of Wands. I find his enthusiasm and high spirited nature annoying. It is often too much and for me too impulsive and exaggerated. People like him tend too draw a lot of attention and not always in a positive; they are loud, bragging and taking unnecessary risks. I know he has a lot of good qualities too but these are the ones that get to me.
Why? probable jealousy, wanting to have the courage to do my own thing no matter what others might think of it. I am often lacking the energy to "go for it" I have a lot of ideas in my mind but too often they stay there gathering dust..
To scared to get on that horse and just ride with my hairs dancing in the wind....

Searching for the Pearl

Day3  The source of my greatest fear
The knight of Cups from the Deviant Moon Tarot:

He keeps on plodding along; always trying to please everybody but himself. Never satisfied always searching for the pearl in the shell, hoping one day it will be good enough. If he is going to continue to pour from his cup because he feels obligated it will run dry very soon. When will he know he can find the pearl in his own heart and that he is good enough just the way he is right now... and that his cup will keep running over when it is filled by a self loving heart?