Four of Swords – Quiet down our Inner Critic

Today’s question is: "How can I let go of self doubt?" and I pulled the Four of Swords. As you know this is one of my “sigh” cards; my permission to let go and quiet down the mind from anxiety and those nagging critical inner voices.  After having completed my oracle challenge on IG, I am experiencing waves of self doubt again. Afraid of putting something on the page which is less “pretty“ than my DIY deck.  Even in my art journal, where I try to play more freely and experiment with my art supplies, I feel the urge to create something “beautiful” and with “beautiful” I mean worthy to show other people. This feeling  has made it crystal clear to me  my that  Inner Critic is holding the reins (again)

So this morning I decided to take up my habit of writing 750 Words a day, before doing anything else. This is the digital equivalent of writing morning pages. For me it is a perfect way to clear my mind and to get those creative juices flowing again. This way I will be able to create room to relax and to do whatever fills me with joy, without any result oriented expectations. This  could be just as simple as allowing myself to take a nap, a walk or perhaps filling up a (new) page in my art  journal just for the fun of it. And no, I am not obliged to finish the last page and make it more “pretty”. Maybe it is even better to fill up some loose leave pages first. Just putting a few collage elements, some paint and some scribbles on them to overcome my fear and to loosen up a bit. The only rule is to keep it abstract!

All and all a very timely question for me today.

King of Swords - He is not so bad after all

I really felt like blogging this morning so I picked up my trusted Original Rider Waite and pulled …oh no, not him… The King of Swords. My earlier enthusiasm dropped in an instant. What to do now? Pick another card? Chose another deck? Often when resistance towards a card is so strong it says more about us then about the card itself.

So what feeling is he stirring within me when he looks at me with piercing eyes, while sitting on this throne, holding his sword firmly in his hand?

The strict teacher, always being judged, never being good enough, a warning finger, criticism, he sometimes feels like a nightmare version of Santa.

Just yesterday I thought that a gentle reminder list could be more efficient for me than a todo list with boxes to tick off. But today it almost feels like he doesn’t  agree with this at all. But then I realized this king is a part of my personality: My inner critical Ellen. Always on the lookout to find something I messed up or failed to do.

Luckily like all tarot cards this King has also positive traits, So for today I am going to list as many as I can think of or find in my reference books:

The first few: Quick decision making, committed,  abiding by self imposed rules, has his way with words, writer, diplomatic, problem solver, unbiased,  ethical….. etc etc etc

Perhaps I was too quick to judge (neg. king again) and maybe he is not such a bad guy after all

The Chariot - Confident I’m on my way!

Today’s card is the Chariot form the Crystal Visions Tarot. As most chariot cards this one too radiates willpower, self confidence, perseverance and victory. The woman riding this chariot, is a young warrior leaving the safety of the town and castle behind her. She is holding her reins with only one hand which tells us she’s in total control over the horses, who would rather choose their own direction. One is black, the other is white as a symbol of opposing and/or conflicting emotions and ideas. But the charioteer doesn't seem to be bothered. She know where she has to go in order to be victorious. She is  also accompanied by two sharp eyed eagles who help her to make the right decisions along the way.

She does remind me of Freya riding her chariot in the sky with her two cats. She is to me also a representative of fiery strength and self confidence.

Yesterday I've gathered my strength and  I went upstairs to look at some old paintings and drawings I've made. After that I've picked up a piece of paper and only two pencils and an eraser. Nothing more. I started doodling and I felt good. It was difficult to let go of having to make a “beautiful “and finished” drawing. Finally just before dinner I've drawn a duckling. So no time to make it perfect either. I have enjoyed myself so much (humming !!!) and I was so relieved to be able to eliminate the blockage and stifle my inner critic. It was an empowering experience. I definitely feel something has shifted. J

“You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think”.  Winnie The Pooh