Friday, August 21, 2015

The Tower - My House of Cards (updated)

This post is long overdue. I haven’t been writing anything for about two weeks now and I wanted to share with you what the reason is for my absence.  For me my tarot practice was partly a way to express my spirituality, as was meditation and practicing gratitude. But the most important tool for me was tarot as a way for me to access my intuition and to receive guidance of my higher self and/or God(des). As you all know my spiritual path is a spiraling one, with its lows and highs. Sometimes it feels like I am back at square one, only to discover a more in depth truth later on. But now it seems like my entire spiritual belief system has collapsed like a house of cards. It feels like I have been building my beliefs and practices on a unstable fantasy foundation and now the whole Tower came tumbling down on me and left me shattered with nothing but the memory of better times and a lot of debris. It might be possible this brokenness and inner loneliness is just a very big winding of my spiral path. I honestly hope it is, but I doubt it. It feels like I have to rediscover who God is to me all over again. If god is really out there, or just in me, or where ever, or nowhere at all... It would be so easy to just pick myself up and rebuild my Tower but I know that this would be postponing the inevitable: another collapse.
So now I have to make new stones and mortar and build a new strong foundation for the house of my soul. I don’t think it will be a Tower again. I think it will be more solid, a one story spacious house with open doors and windows so the air will remain fresh and it will be inviting for the Light to enter
Please know I am still visiting your blogs and enjoying your posts although I don’t always have something worth while to comment. I hope to be back soon and post my daily draws again or anything else which I would  like to share with you
Hugs

Update: I want to thank you all for your kind and warm comments. It makes me feel so loved and appreciated. Honestly I have hesitated to write this post but now I am ever so glad I did. Writing this and then reading your kind and encouraging comments has made a very deep impression on me.
So thank you all

31 comments:

  1. I was very happy to see that you posted today, although I know you're going through a difficult time! You are in my thoughts every day. Take your time. "A bird doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song." -Maya Angelou. May you find your song, even in (perhaps especially in) the absence of answers. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Being held in your thoughts; that means a lot to me Olivia. I love the quote. "The absence of answers" is a void of which I am sure it will be filled again. The challenge is not to hurry the process.

      Delete
  2. You are not alone Ellen, we all at times in life go through that dark night of the soul.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Take your time; I know that feeling when you're in limbo might make you rush to fill the void. The times I have been there, it's felt like someone detonated an atomic bomb - inside me. It was a feeling of desolation and loneliness, but it also had a feeling of rightness. I knew I needed something different. I'm in a good place now, but I could likely find myself where you are again at any time. I think it is just part of the path. Be gentle, patient and compassionate with yourself. (((Ellen)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you my dear friend. It is good to know you've been there and felt like this too.It feels less lonely and also I feel reassured that this is my path too. Maybe for now I just have to sit in the roadside and be, before I take the next step
      Hugs

      Delete
  4. Blessings on your ongoing journey with its collapses, eddies, spirals, twists, turns...which is to say blessings on the breath that takes the form of all those shapes. Rilke encourages us so beautifully here...

    'You, sent out beyond your recall,
    go to the limits of your longing.
    Embody me.

    Flare up like a flame
    and make big shadows I can move in.

    Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
    Just keep going. No feeling is final.'

    I love that last line because so often, in the desert of the moment, feelings do feel final. I return to that last phrase often when I'm struggling.

    The Sufis have a sacred mantra that translates as 'may the way be opened in you' and I wish that for you, Ellen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Rose, for this beautiful wish and poem. "No feeling is final" is a great reminder
      Hugs

      Delete
  5. So many ups and downs during a lifetime. I hope everything starts to get better as you go through the process of rebuilding. Best of wishes to you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much. Falling was the worst part, getting up and climbing out of the darkness is difficult but hopeful and promising. I know I can do it. I've done it so many times

      Delete
  6. You are in my thoughts, Ellen. (Hugs)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hang in there kid, we've all been there, not that that makes it any easier for the next person.
    Sharyn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Sharyn. Yes it is still difficult, but a lot less lonely. :)

      Delete
  8. My thoughts are with you. Ellen, always. One moment at a time .....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you Carol, Taking it slowly is certainly the best way for now.

      Delete
  9. Dearest Ellen, what strength even amongst the falling debris of your Tower! Know you are in my heart each day, too <3 I love the sound of your one story house open to the elements. I have been listening to a guided meditation recently called Your Personal Temple, and my temple is like a Japanese house, wood and paper, with arches open to each of the directions, and a roof open to the stars. I am sure you will be able to build your house as you choose, taking your time to make it a place that nurtures your heart and soul :) (((hugs)))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you my dear Chloe This feels very close even though you live so far away. Building a house with wood and paper is for me a statement of trust in life. So different from a secluded tower with thick stone walls and a wooden door heavily hanging from the hinges.
      For now I am trying to sit with the questions without reaching for the answers.

      Delete
  10. Ellen, I had been wondering where you disappeared to. Sorry to hear of your troubles. May you rise above the rubble. Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Cher. I am positive I will. Thank you :)

      Delete
  11. Sending gentle hugs of support!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is so sweet of you! Thank you Carol:)

      Delete
  12. I'm sending you love, peace and comfort my friend!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi dear Ellen! I miss your lovely posts! This is a very personal and deep path, and time and reflection, will bring you the answers, I send you much Light, strengh, and a big kiss my dear Friend!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hola LM I miss blogging too. I hope to be able to post again soon. Thanks you for your heartfelt wishes

      Delete
  14. I have definitely been in this position spiritually and even when it took awhile to rebuild I was always in the end glad of the collapse because each time the rebuild brings me closer to an authentic spiritual path with less lenses between me and my view of spirituality. I love you posts and messages but take all the time you need and know you aren't alone ::HUGS::

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Kelly. Somehow it feels comforting to hear about similar experiences from friends. It feels less lonely. I am trying not to focus too much on filling the spiritual gap. But more on doing other things like playing with my Lenormand cards.

      Delete
  15. I have been there, too. Take your time. Build something fresh for yourself. x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement Carla.

      Delete